Talking about Relationship (This Time It’s My Story)

So, I want to talk about my current relationship but I don’t know where to start. Duh.
Let me try…  My boyfriend and I went to the same primary school, same junior high school, and same senior high school. All those 12 years, we didn’t know each other personally. Well, we knew each other’s face and name and that’s it.
We went to different universities in 2012. Then in 2014 we started chatting online and we always had good conversation. 
As time went by, I thought to myself, “Does he flirt with me?” and yes, he flirted and sometimes he had funny pickup lines that I couldn’t help laughing. He still does that. Damn, I smile while writing this. 
However, I hadn’t been interested in relationship for years so I just talked to him casually as a friend. I responded to his pickup line with another joke that often made him felt like, “Aaaaaarrrrggghh!!!” 
I told Lady Slytherin about this. I said, “Well, I guess I could like him if he can continue it long enough.” She asked, “What if he’s tired and he goes finding someone else?” I said, “That’s okay. I’m not ready for a relationship anyway.”
Recently, I found a blog post that described my feeling about him in the beginning here. That post is about potential love. It says, “Have you ever felt a potential love for someone? Like, you don’t actually love them and you know you don’t, but you know you could. You realise that you could easily fall in love with them….”
Back to my story, we once met for a few minutes to lend him my book. I forget when that happened. Months later, in June 2017, we agreed to meet in a book store because where else should I go for a first date (book lover mode: on)? We met another high school friend in that book store and this friend looked at us suspiciously. We greeted him and he looked like he wanted to ask question but he didn’t ask. He was too shocked, probably.
We went out together five times until finally he asked me to be his girlfriend last November. I had the proclivity to avoiding commitment but I thought again, I always enjoyed my time with him and it didn’t hurt to give this relationship a try. He is willing to communicate his thought and opinion. He also lets me do the same. In other words, we’re good for each other so I said yes. 
We’re finally in a relationship after 3 years. Our friends say that’s a long time. Well, it really takes a long time for me to trust someone. It takes me longer to let myself commit to a relationship so that long time is worth spending.
How do I feel about him? He’s different. Back in the past, when I had a crush or fell in love, I felt a little uncomfortable. I have come a long way in the term of loving myself. In the past, I often thought too hard on how to impress the guy I liked. With my boyfriend now, I feel all right. We have our fight, of course, but we talk through it. This is why I was once confused about how I felt because love used to make me uncomfortable.
Now if you ask me whether I love him, I will say yes, I do love him.

Run Away Like It was Yesterday

Some songs can put into certain mood or make you imagine things. This time I want to talk about the song Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance. 

That song cheers me up. However it does more than just cheering up. Everytime I listen to that song, I imagine my girl friend and I run while laughing after doing silly thing. We dash to avoid people shouting at us. 

Beside, that song is indeed about run away. As Gerard Way said before performing that song in Hurricane festival 2011, “There’s nothing wrong with running and never looking back.” I have mixed feeling about what Gerard Way said. The idea of running away sounds good but doesn’t sound right to me. No matter how bad my situation is, I don’t think it’s so bad that I need to run away. I’m not that easy to leave something, either. I don’t even leave an abandoned group chat, duh.

Then I think maybe that “Bulletproof Heart” song is not for me. That song is for people who feel trapped in bad place or bad condition. That song is for people who are stuck with bad people. It’s for those who fight their own demons, or with their dark past. For those kind of people, running away is necessary. It even takes certain kind or courage for them to run away from their situation and save themselves.

Maybe someday that song will mean more than two girls running away after doing silly things. Who knows?

Forgotten List

I often have a lot of idea in my head for my blog post but I don’t write the post right away. I usually make a list of “blog post idea” so that if I have the chance to write something, I will write from that list.

The problem occurs when it has been a long time I haven’t written in my blog then I start blogging again and when I look at the list, I think, “I had this idea? What am I supposed to write?”
After that I usually write about something else that’s not included in the list.

On Sarah Urie and Kindness

In one of my recent posts, I talked about kindness as one of Hufflepuff’s trait. 

I’m a Hufflepuff but I never consider myself a kind or nice person. Some experiences make me think to myself, “Maybe some people don’t deserve my kindness.” So, I confess, I may act nice but I often have “unkind” thought of what I could do when someone do or say unkind things to me. 

One day, I found Sarah Urie’s instagram account. At first I felt something strange. I didn’t know. She did nothing wrong but I felt strange. Later I knew it was because of her bio. Her bio is changed now but when I first saw her instagram, it said, “🐝 kind” Can you view the bee emoji from computer? 

What’s wrong with that bio? Let me tell you, I spent times trying to conceal myself and selecting few people who deserve my kindness then this woman named Sarah said, “Be(e) kind” to my face (well, I face my cell phone so technically she said in to my face online). What?! Who does she think she is, telling people to be kind? She just doesn’t understand the “bitter consequence” of being kind. Maybe she doesn’t understand. Or maybe she understand that some people are horrible but she thinks it’s still important to be kind anyway.

So I think I need to thank Sarah Urie for giving me perspective that it’s all right to be kind. Also, I thank her for giving me idea to write some blog posts (seriously, this is important).

Whom Will You Listen to Music with?

A while ago, a friend of mine shared in facebook about his Spotify Game of Thrones character. It is to find out which Game of Thrones character you will listen to music with. If you’re curious, you can try it here.

I tried that and my Game of Thrones match is Joffrey Baratheon. It was because my Spotify playlist was 65% emo. I laughed when I saw the result. After getting the result, I could see “The Honoured Playlist of King Joffrey Baratheon” and I found “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance. Great.

I actually hoped I shared music taste with the characters I admire, like Tyrion Lannister, Olenna Tyrell, or Podrick Payne. However, considering that Joffrey listened to My Chemical Romance, I don’t mind listening to music with him as long as he doesn’t harm me or my family. Oh well, he won’t because 1) he’s fictional, 2) he has joined the black parade (but not as the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned).

Now let’s play the G note.

My First Ship

In fandom, there is the term “ship”. This is where you want characters to have relationship. It doesn’t only happen in fiction fandom but also in music fandom. It happens in most fandoms, I guess (I say most because maybe there is a fandom that doesn’t have ship).

I don’t like shipping. I once wrote in my post “Confession of a Fanfic Reader” that I prefer friendship. 

However, one day, out of nowhere, I got a shipping idea. I didn’t even simply ship two fictional characters or such. I shipped an internet friend of mine with someone in one of my fandoms. For a few weeks, I searched in the internet for the right wedding dress and veil for the bride. I browsed wedding flowers and what kind of party they would have. I even came to the point where I imagined their wedding vow.

That imagination doesn’t come to my mind anymore. Maybe the wind blows the ship to somewhere faraway. A good place, I hope.

Still, I prefer friendship to romance.

Slow Romantic Activity

Today’s prompt is “slowly“. I instantly think about romantic stuffs like slow dance and slow kiss. 

I’m not a fan of romance but still, I think those slow romantic activities sounds sweet, lovely, beautiful, etc. Although in some situation they make me cringe (sorry).

However, I don’t think I will be able to do any romantic thing slowly because I’m awkward and sometimes overly excited. It means that if I have romantic feeling on someone, I would either do nothing (to avoid awkwardness) or do something silly (because I can’t contain my excitement). That something silly includes me talking fast and trying hard not to grin too wide. 

My behaviour makes me wonder about some things. How can people dance slowly with their loved ones? You’re couple and you don’t hug and jump through the music? Even if the song is slow, you may want to jump a little? How can the bride in Western wedding walk down the aisle? It’s your wedding day, you’re getting married, you don’t want to run or jump? How can you kiss slo… Oh wait, I don’t even want to know about that now. 

Please be kind to answer my questions. This is for research (not really, I’m just curious).

My Exam Hangover

I’ve had my comprehensive exams. I had comprehensive OSCE on Thursday, June 16th and comprehensive CBT on Tuesday, June 21st. Now I’m waiting for the result.

After exam I feel this condition I call exam hangover. I was curious to find out whether other people ever call it exam hangover so I google it. I found two proper results.

One result is from Urban Dictionary. According to Urban Dictionary, exam hangover is that period between the end post-secondary exams and the next day you can think. I also found an article, “A Remedy for Your University Exam Hangover“.

I haven’t done much during this exam hangover. I definitely don’t study medical stuff (sorry). I borrow a novel from local library but I haven’t even started reading it. I haven’t written a letter for my German penpal (please wait patiently, dear). I want to buy flowers and arrange them but I’m currently saving my money for something else.

In that article I share the link above, the writer experience 4 week exam hangover. I hope mine is shorter. Now I’m going to open the novel I borrow.

Boggart and Sexual Assault

In Harry Potter series, boggart is an amortal shape shifting non-being that takes on the form of viewer’s worst fear.

Hermione’s boggart on her third year was Professor McGonagall telling her that she failed all exams. Molly Weasley’s boggart was the dead bodies of her family.

When I was at school, I thought my boggart would be like Hermione’s since I was quite an overachiever. After I entered medical school, I found out that failure in exam was not that scary so I guessed my boggart would be the dead bodies of my family or friends.

Then I was sexually assaulted and I understood what fear was like. It was worse than failure in exam, even worse than losing a loved one. I’m fine with bad grade in university. I can deal with losing a family member or friend quite well. However, sexual assault is different.

There are countless times I regret the assault. It’s irrational, though. I’m the victim but why would I regret? I just can’t help it. I think about “what if” and “I should have” even when I’m fully aware that it was not my fault and I can’t turn back time.

In Harry Potter series, we say “Riddikulus” to combat a boggart. While saying the charm, we need to concentrate on something funny that the boggart will change shape into.

Sadly, everytime I think about those who assaulted me, or any kind of sexual assault, I think about the scene in Game of Thrones where Arya killed Meryn Trant, the cruel knight who was also a pedophile. In that scene, Arya stabbed Meryn Trant several times in his eyes and chest then finally slitted his throat. I sometimes imagine myself doing that to those who assault me but imagination is imagination. I can’t do that. I don’t do such thing.

I haven’t got any idea of something funny to change my boggart into because there is nothing funny about sexual assault.