Being a co-assistant in hospital is exhausting and when I’m exhausted, I lose motivation to do things. I can’t even bring myself to review material. It’s also difficult for me to stay awake during lecture (yes, we still have lecture in hospital). I envy my friend who can stay awake during lecture and understand the material. They even have enough energy to discuss it with the residents. Seriously, those friends have no idea how lucky they are.
Recently, I just found out that Anton Chekhov, the Russian author, was also a doctor. One of his famous quote regarding this was, “Medicine is my lawful wife, literature my mistress: when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other.”
My friends and I laughed at that because never have we ever found medicine-related quote like that before. Now is the thing: every medical student that I have been close to has this kind of “mistress”, this thing that we spend our time with when we’re tired of our “lawful wife” in the form of medical study. One friend’s “mistress” is drawing, another one’s is cosplay, someone else has literature as mistress.
However, there is a problem when you’re constantly tired of your “lawful wife”. That’s what happens to me. Medical study is often demanding so I spend a lot of time with my “mistress(es)”: literature, fandom, and other things.
I think it’s time for me to remind myself that no matter how excited I get when I see my “mistress(es)”, it is my “lawful wife” that I made my vow to spend my life with.
I have short attention span.
Short attention span plus burnout equals mental torture to me, and that happens now.
Two days ago I wrote preface for my thesis. It was a standard preface and I had gotten the format from my friend. It was an easy task. However, bringing myself to type a lecturer’s name in preface was already a mental workout for me.
I still haven’t written scientific article and I don’t know when I can start. How can I write if I can’t even think about it?
The registration for graduation ceremony started a few days ago and it will be closed on May 5th. I hope I can finish my article before May 5th.
I hope I can get over this burnout.
I’ve ever mentioned in this blog that I was interested in psychiatry. I still am. However, after writing thesis with psychiatry topic, I feel done.
I once considered being a psychiatrist but after months of writing psychiatry-related thesis, I changed my mind. I have come to realisation that psychiatry is not for me. It’s interesting but I will learn it as a hobby (now I sound like Saitama from One Punch Man), otherwise I will drain my mental energy.
I haven’t figured out which medical career path that I want to choose.
On Thursday, March 17, I had thesis exam again with my other two examiners. It went fine.
After the exam, I accompanied Miss Perfume to wait for her scientific journal editor, her counsellor. We then had a nice conversation with our senior student.
That afternoon, Miss Perfume, Elsa, and I went to karaoke. Miss Perfume chose some Indian songs and when she sang, Elsa and I commented on the videos (the videos are from movie scenes). She also chose “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys and three of us had this “lovely boyband moment” (is that even real?).
Elsa sang some anime soundtracks and Japanese songs which Miss Perfume and I didn’t know so we just watched her “perform.” She really looked like she was performing on stage while singing in karaoke. Whoa, that girl.
My choice of songs include “Nine in the Afternoon” by Panic! At The Disco, “Famous Last Words” by My Chemical Romance, “My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark” by Fall Out Boy, “Love is on the Radio” by McFly, and “Di Sayidan” by Shaggy Dog.
I found out that “Nine in the Afternoon” sounded hollow without Brendon Urie’s voice. Hahaha… I just couldn’t replace his voice (of course!). The song was happy and it was one of the few songs I dared to play before my thesis exam.
“Famous Last Words” was great. I felt relieved to sing, shout, and scream during that song. It was like my mental “burden” during the process of thesis making was lifted when I sang it. The song allowed me to feel angry, frustrated, and sad, but powerful at the same time. Strange, isn’t it? Plus, I had microphone to sing, so the effect was better.
“My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark” was another memory. There was a time during the process of thesis writing when I had this big problem (I can’t talk about it, sorry) and I listened to this song over and over again to make myself feel better. It turned out that some parts of that song were a bit too fast for me to sing. I will practice!
To reduce “tension”, I sang “Love is on the Radio” by McFly. Elsa and Miss Perfume laughed at the line, “We’ll have a son and we’ll give him a sister.” That line was cute but strange when I sang it, hahaha…
I didn’t know why I chose “Di Sayidan“. The last time I had listened to it was in high school. I just thought that song was catchy and would be nice to sing and listen to with my friends.
Later that night, I was happy and content. I still had to change some part of my thesis and scientific article, though.
At this point, I’ve just realised that my three posts about thesis exam are more like song related posts. Maybe later I will write more scientific posts.
I realise that I’ve procrastinated too long to write this story.
On March, 16th I presented my thesis in front of my examiners but there are more to recall.
In the morning, I checked my presentation slide and I thought it was inappropriate. It only consisted of 10 slides and it would have taken about 5 minutes to present. Too short. I then contacted Miss Perfume and she told me what to add. I ended up with 15 slides. Thanks, Miss Perfume.
I went by a car with my father and my cousin. My dad accompanied me to the meeting room. My cousin parked the car and went somewhere else.
Now let me talk about the meeting room. So, every department in hospital has a meeting room. I had to present my thesis in meeting room of psychiatry department and, to be honest, I didn’t really like the place. The place was small and there were many people.
By the time I arrived in front of the meeting room, there was a lecture so I had to wait. I was a little excited and nervous so I put my headphones and played “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin in my phone. That song never fails to calm me down.
Then Lady Slytherin came. She had some conversation with my dad and gave me some tips. After that Miss Perfume came. So, four of us waited outside the meeting room. I couldn’t keep myself still so I danced to “Ready to Go” that was played in my head. Elsa came a little later after I started my presentation.
Then my exam started. I had 5 examiners but only 3 attend my presentation that day. My presentation went well. However, I couldn’t answer the question about molecular biology from my first examiner. Why??!! I need to work it out, I think. I also need to pay more attention to the “rules”, like word choice and font. I forgot to make some foreign words italic, duh.
Talking about word choice, my first counsellor told me to use the word “writer” instead of “we”, and “study” instead of “research”. He also told me to use my own words instead of rewrite someone’s words. I did use my own words. Well, I admit, I rewrote at some parts. All right, I’ll change that.
My second counsellor responded, “I’m sure that (my name) can write in her own words. She writes a lot in campus magazine and blog.” I couldn’t help but grin at his comment. My second counsellor was a friendly lecturer and he knew about this blog. I just didn’t expect him to mention this blog in a thesis exam. Thankfully, he didn’t share my blog address to the other two examiners.
Minutes later, my exam was over. I was relieved.
I still had to have exam with the other two examiners. I contacted them and they could examine me one day later.
On Wednesday, March 16th, I had thesis examination. It means that I presented my thesis in front of my counsellors and examiners.
I stated in this blog that I didn’t really like public speaking. However, the day before my exam, I felt okay. In fact, I was excited to present my thesis, which was a surprising fact considering that 1) I would talk in front of people, 2) I would be asked questions about my thesis, 3) I would present my thesis in a meeting room in the hospital, a place that never made me comfortable.
That day, I made power point presentation and read my thesis again. Yes, I know it was late. I procrastinated too much.
Also, my dad caught me watching Brendon Urie video again. He said, “Prepare for your presentation. Stop playing around!” Why does my dad always catch me watching Brendon Urie?
Talking about Brendon Urie, I was careful to choose what songs I listened to that day. I didn’t listen to “Build God, then We’ll Talk” no matter how tempting it was. I didn’t listen to “Northern Downpour” either because I could get strange feeling from it. I even held myself from listening to My Chemical Romance because their songs might evoke various emotion and hit me right in the “feel”.
I also had a chat with Dika and he said, “Good luck. You can read fanfics first!” And strangely, I did. I read some fanfics that day.
My state of being not nervous worried me. I started to think that I might take it too easy. I told another friend that I didn’t feel nervous and I didn’t really care if I couldn’t answer the question. I told him that I didn’t know whether it was good or bad sign. He said, “It may be a good sign but you not caring somehow sounds badass.” I laughed at his response.
I slept well that night. Still not worried about my exam.
I’m addicted to the song “Death of a Bachelor” by Panic! At The Disco. After My Chemical Romance, now Panic! At The Disco. Help, I’m overwhelmed!
Today’s daily prompt is to ask someone else to give blog prompt. I asked Elsa and she said, “The comprehensive exam that is getting closer”. I regret my decision of asking her.